1994 Roadmaster Wagon

Description

1994 Roadmaster Wagon. Everything works! Including the AC. In fact, the AC is so cold it will freeze your nipples off, and you don’t want that! I’ve never seen anyone without nipples before, but one time at the water park in Durban, South Africa, I saw a guy without a belly button, and jesus god it was creepy. If I were to think about it before hand (I never did, but if I did) I would have thought that a gross, lint collecting, shriveled raisin belly button would easily be expendable—but boy would I have been wrong. DON’T EVER LOOSE YOUR BELLY BUTTON! You will look like an insane freak without it. And similarly, don’t overuse the ac in this Roadmaster, because sure as shit, you’ll loose your nipples, and that would be at least as bad as loosing a belly button, if not twice as bad (since there are two of them!).

Ok, not everything works in the Roadmaster. The rear wiper doesn’t work. I think the wiper motor is gorked. But everything else other than that rear windshield wiper motor works. Literally!

This car isn’t for everyone, obviously. You really have to like burning gasoline to own this car. And you have to be comfortable being large and in charge. With a name like Roadmaster, you’d better be able to live up to it!

This iteration of the Rm has the venerable LT1 engine; the same engine as the camaro, corvette, and other bezerkly fast cars of the mid 1990’s. This wagon won’t go as fast as those other cars because it weighs nearly 5000 lbs (not joking), but you can tell everyone that you have a corvette engine in your woody wagon—kind of as a conversation opener—and they will nod knowingly and kind of squint at you, like you are cool. It works every freakin time; believe me I know!

Also, people who know way too much about cars will come up to you, often, and tell you how this has always been their dream car and then go down an incomprehensible list of modifications they would do to it to make it faster/better. I’ve found in these situations it’s best to agree to most of what they propose, say wow or Oh Yea! every once in awhile, and when you recognize a term, or part of a term they are using, point to it in the car and say “I like the reliability of the Oem unit, myself.” This really endears you to them, and once they figure out that your political beliefs are 180 different than theirs, you can draw on that good will and common ground in appealing to them to not shoot you, or your friends in the car.

Oh, and did I mention that you can LEGALLY hold 7 of your dearest friends in this wagon? Well you can. It has 8 (count them 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8!!!) seatbelts!!! 8!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is easily the coolest thing in the world. If you don’t have 7 friends right now (I didn’t), you will— right after buying the Roadmaster, because this car comes with Cool that everyone likes and wants to be around (literally) at no extra charge.

And all the seatbelts in this car are not aftermarket seatbelts just thrown up anywhere/everywhere for a gag or for fun, and they’re not tiny seatbelts meant for impossibly small children who really should be in car seats (for shame!!!). All EIGHT of these seatbelts would fit a normal (180lbish) person… I just thought of this; if you loaded the car up with all your friends it would be 1,440 lbs of people in this car. Isn’t that insane!!!??? And kind of gross somehow!? That would be a lot of nipples to loose too, if you dared to use the AC. KEEP THE GODDAMNED AC OFF MAN!!!

And buy this car. Please. Thank you.

Andrew